Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Utterly Inexcusable Nader-Bashing 

"What's the deal with airplane food?"

"Have you noticed how tight the seating is on airplanes?"

Are these questions:

a) Cliched examples of stand-up comedy cliches?


b) The basis for an "as told to" confession from a presidential candidate printed in the nation's premier daily newspaper?

The answer? Both are correct.

Check out Ralph Nader's hilarious take on the pressing matters of the day:
I am taller than is facilitated by the cramped seats of the airlines that try to put in two extra rows. For tall people, they basically sell a ticket for all of you to go on the plane but your knees. Their motto could be, "Will travel, leave your knees behind."
[cue rimshot]
You know what I say to people when I'm in one of Delta's or United's cramped seats? I tap the man or woman in front of me before we take off and say, "My knees and resultant circulation are now at your mercy."
[Whoops of glee from audience]
They know that means they should refrain from pushing their seat back. Because if they do, they will hear: c-r-u-n-c-h.
[uproarious laughter]
I'm looking at a package of Kings Delicious Gourmet Party Mix. It says: "Made especially for United. A premium blend of cashews, honey-roasted sesame sticks and mini-pretzels."

I proceeded to open it with heightened anticipation, fully prepared to separate out the mini-pretzels from the rest. Are you ready? There was one little lonely shrunken cashew, two sesame sticks and the overwhelming denizens of this little packet were mini-pretzels. I counted them out, believe me. What else do you do on the plane where you're cramped?

Can you imagine an executive decision at the pretzel company, whoever is in charge, saying, "No one at United is going to count the number of cashews."
Oh, mercy. That man has incredible comic timing. Oh, my knees and resultant circulation.

I'm really looking forward to the Newsweek interview, where Nader tells it like it is about how difficult it is to understand the guy at the drive-through.

NOTE: I realize that this is my third post today which in some way bashes Ralph Nader. I fully realize the level of hackery and brain-deadness which this pattern implies. All I can say in my own defense is that I'm busy. Also, I can't stop myself.

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