Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Karl Rove Has Met His Match 

Look out, Karl Rove! The New Republic's Jonathan Chait (better known as Dan Chait's brother) has devised a can't-lose strategy for the Kerry-Edwards ticket:
[U]nlike Kerry, [Edwards] can communicate. This suggests a logical, if somewhat new, division of labor: Edwards could be the one who pulls the party message into a coherent theme, thickens it out with policy proposals (along with his staff), articulates it before the public, and lacerates the opponent. Kerry would continue to star in the television commercials as the Vietnam veteran/prosecutor/gun nut/fiscal hawk. Between his schedule of filming such commercials, he'd raise money and rest up for the debates. Too much campaigning would only alienate the public and make him even more gaunt.

In fact, here's my ideal plan for the Kerry campaign. At an upcoming rally, an anti-Kerry protestor starts to burn an American flag. Kerry leaps down from the podium and starts strangling the protestor with his bare hands, then hurls him to the ground and rescues the flag. In the course of putting out the fire, he suffers minor burns that, the campaign announces, will force him to be hospitalized and inaccessible to the media and the public until mid-October. In the meantime, Edwards is dispatched to present the Democratic message for the next three and half months.
It's a start. Personally, I think the plan would be much improved if it involved Kerry rescuing a baby rather than strangling a protester. Also, perhaps this would be a good opportunity for Teresa Heinz Kerry to reveal that, much like Bruce Wayne, she has used her immense inherited wealth to build a formidable arsenal of gimmicky crime-fighting technology. Perhaps she could dispatch the flag-burner with some kind of ketchup gun, while her husband rescues the aforementioned infant from certain death -by-burning-flag.

I'm going to make some popcorn so I'll be ready when the fun starts.

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